Being a California girl I have never quite adjusted to the crazy spring weather here in Utah. Just when you think it’s safe to put away the winter coats and break out the flip flops – it snows. The good news is that the flowers and plants don’t seem to care .
What that tells me is life happens and you just have to find a way to break through the cold ground, fight against the elements and bloom anyway.
I had an interesting question pop up the other day when a couple of my neighbors were over and we were talking about a young man we all knew who was struggling with his cocaine addiction and his folks just don’t want to talk about it. Typical. So the question was – what do you say to the parent who says ” It’s not my fault he does drugs”.
I know it’s a trick question. There is an emphasis in therapy and treatment ( IMO) to instruct a parent that it’s NOT their fault a child is doing drugs/boozing, etc. – Whew, I’m not to blame – they think quietly to themselves – good – I don’t have to change.
And just so there is no misunderstanding – I am NOT a therapist. But I have raised 5 children and one is an addict/alcoholic and I know exactly what a parent feels when substance abuse shakes the family foundation to it’s very core. The guilt, shame, confusion, unmet expectations, anger, disappointment and so on.
Back to the question – I answered with a ” maybe it is their fault ” the gals totally freaked out at me. hahaha, not so simple
So here is the return question-
Can a parent raise a child – teaching that child ( or not teaching ), disciplining, praising, guiding ( or not), tucking the child in at night…etc. without having any responsibility for their role – for their actions – for their participation in the family unit? So when things go goooood, parents are always there wanting to take credit but when things go bad… the parents say ” it’s not my fault”.
Well, maybe it is your fault- because of how you treated your child growing up they were not able to make good decisions ( I know I am simplifying ) and that led to future bad behavior. Parents are far from perfect and things happen - life is messy but that is where accountability and awareness come into play and I think parents need to have some ownership.
Now some parents actually DO give their children drugs and alcohol – They actually do shoot up or booze togther and even those parents often will deny any culpibility. It’s crazy evil what happens to some children.
For the most part – the parents that I know are good people – they have done their very best to raise their children. There are no guarantees that even being the perfect parent protects a child from his own bad decision making and clearly they are not the one’s putting a needle of heroin in their child’s arm. So – where the difference lies – is not in placing BLAME but in accepting responsibility for being the parent and maybe – just maybe we all could have been better at our job. Because sometimes our “best” is not very good.
No, it is not my fault my son abused alcohol to the point of addiction – he chose to get booze, drink booze and ruin his life. But as his parent I have ownership in how he was raised and how maybe – just maybe something we did or didn’t do created a belief in his life that led him to drink.
Or even more wild is – you know science now says that there is a genetic pre-disposition for addiction – well I guess that does mean I am to blame since those genes came from me ( and my hubo)
Pointing out fault or blame is weak and has no merit . But accepting responsibility and ownership is an exercise in creation.
We all have agency to choose – abusing alcohol or drugs is a choice and they choose – even in addiction when the choice mechanism has become damaged – they still choose.
and so does the parent – they choose to react – they choose to be disgusted – they choose to disown – they choose to be in denial.
It took a long time for me to be free from my own guilt and confusion over what my now adult son has chosen to do – but it did not free me from my own responsibility to say I’m sorry this happened, I’m grateful I have learned so much from his experience because now I can love him more and I work on forgiving myself for the things as a parent I could have done better and forgiving him for his part.
Relationships take two to tango and in a family – it takes everyone who wants to heal to participate. I can throw away my broken flip flops and get a new pair but I won’t throw away my broken family – they are worth healing and saving.
MOVED – we just keep outgrowing our space.
